25 Things You Could Do With Your College Fees

Rising college fees, reductions in grants and no jobs just starts to raise the question over the value of college! So, let’s say you don’t go to college, what would you do with your fees instead!?


Here’s our collection of 25 Things You Could Do With Your Fees! We’re basing it on a 4 year degree at €2,000 per year!


Any other ideas, post a comment let us know!

1: Get An Education!

What? Ok, bear with us on this one. For €8,000 you could get about 114 college text books (averaging about €60 each). That’s about 10 times more than you’d get by doing a normal degree. You could actually be 10 times smarter by not going to college!!


You’d also have more time to read them and wouldn’t have to travel in and out of college. That means that you won’t be adding to the global warming epidemic or pushing up the price of oil. Nice one!



2: Get Some Penny Jelleys

You could give Fiona a shout from PennyJellies.com and use your fees to get some jellies. You’d actually be able to get 400,000 Penny Jellys. Enough said.




3: Tell The Time While You’re DEAD

We went into Weir’s on Grafton Street and had a look a this Rolex Sub Marinar Yellow, 18 Carrot Gold watch that will still work 300m below sea level. But unfortunately you won’t. This watch is just a little over your college fees…

photo (7)

4: Get a 99

Every single day for the next 11 years of your life. FACT.

photo (8)

5: Buy A Shiny Necklace

Go back into Weirs and get your girlfriend one of these necklaces. Well, either ones on the outside, the middle one is €16,000.

photo (9)

6: Do a Photo-shoot!

You could hire Georgia Salpa, (A sociologist who writes a weekly colum for a national Irish Paper), Louise Johnston (she’s from the hit online series Fade Street which is about an artistic, metaphorical depiction of the feminist struggle in a male dominated failing capitalistic world and how the impact of socially inadequate and bureaucratic European policies have a detrimental effect on the lives of the ordinary Irish fishing villages) and Roz Purcell (She’s Miss UNIVERSE…Ireland?….what, I’m confused) to throw pies at each other on Grafton street.


In the middle of December.



In bikinis.


(fact, I checked  with their agent on this one.)



And with the money you’d have left over you could do that again.




And again.







And again.






Oh. And again. Nice.


7: Go Out For Dinner!

But not just any dinner, a Fianna Fail dinner! And you’d have enough money left over to bribe someone! Yay! And if you don’t want to bribe someone you could buy 53,500 brown envelopes. (And don’t worry about the postage, someone will be around to collect them.)



8: Go On The Dublin Wheel

888 times. Unfortunately you won’t get student prices (because you’re not in college), which would have gotten you on it 1,142 times but still, 888 times is loads and you’re bound to get the shift at least once off Louise.


photo (10)


9: Legally Download 8,421 Songs.

Hah, that’s the best one yet!



10: Go To Coppers

You could pay yourself into coppers every Friday night for the next 15 years. Think about all the ugly drunken sex you could have. Awesome.



11: Do Loads of Coke

Depending where and who you buy your coke from, you could get about 8,000 cans, give or take a couple hundred. You’d be hyper as f@*k for about a year.



12: Fly Away!

Pop into USIT Travel and get some round the world flights. With your college fee kitty, you’d be able to buy 3 around the world tickets!! That’s about 87,000 miles of travel. That’s more than a third of the distance to the moon.

photo (11)


 13: Make Your Own Degree!

You could fly to Egypt, buy some original Papyrus paper, a stamp, a red candle, make your own degree, fly home and call top photographer Lili Forberg to do your graduation photo,get styled by Danielle Fitzgerald, have your Make Up by Sheena O’Brien and hair
by Amy Wilson (Za-Mii Hair Design)!!


Coolest Photo Ever.


14: Get Some Sexy Undies!

Get the most tight fitting, hand made and expensive set of underwear on the planet! Head down to the guys in Dublin Ink, ask for Shane and he’ll give you about 70 hours of his time to create a vest and knee length set of boxershorts (unisex of course).


You won’t have to worry about the red sock ruining your whites and these are guaranteed not to shrink – although Shane has made it clear that he can only guarantee that his work won’t shrink, anything else and you’re on your own.


So it if you don’t mind getting up close and personal with everyone down in Cow’s lane, then give them a call.


15: Start a Band!

What’s cooler and more likely to get you noticed – having a degree, or a band!? Everyone knows entertainment is a recession proof business, you’re probably reading this hungover and listening to Rihanna (Hopefully her grandmother has told her what her name is by now….).


So, drop the books and head down to X Music and get yourself hooked up with all the latest equipment and gear! Ask for James and if he isn’t rocking it out in his 80’s tribute band, he’ll be able to fit you out with everything you need and then you’re on the road to stardom!


16: Hire a Magician!

Hire Shane Gillen, the super awesome magician to come live with you for a month! Imagine that, wake up in the morning and he’s there with a deck of cards in your face asking you to pick one! He can follow you around and tell you the time, impress your boss with tricks and read you bedtime stories while he robs your wallet!


By special request he can make the following things disappear:

  • Your Ex
  • Gonorrhea
  • Cavan
  • Sean Gallagher’s Memory of Envelopes
  • Woman Problems


I think he’s the one on the left…


17: Become an Inker

That’s the technical term for a tattoo artist. It’s cool, the Dublin Ink guys let me in on the lingo. You can get an apprenticeship doing tattooing for around 5k, that leaves you with enough money to buy the Art Attack DVD Box Set Remastered in 3D, a years supply of PVA glue and a giant pencil.


Then you’re guaranteed to become an artistic, creative tattooing guru.


18: Bathroom Banter!

Knock those Monday morning blues on the head by getting Des Bishop to perform to you while your in the bathroom. Shower, shave and do poo poo all while Des is delivering punch line after punch line. A sure fire way to put a smile on your face!


19: Invest In Silver

Silver over the last 4 years has gone from a low of around $8 an announce to a high of just under €50. That’s nearly a 600% increase. So your €8000 in college fees could have amounted to €48,000. And when you think about that, that’s nearly double the salary you can expect to get as a graduate, with far better tax breaks too!


 20: Have a VIP Party!

For one night only live the life of the Irish socialite, hire out the VIP room in Krsytle, buy some bottles of Crystal Champagne and have enough money left over to fill the place with sheep. Banter.



 21: Get The Body Of Your Dreams

Get the body of your dreams the way all the top celebrities do! Photoshopped! Hire Gavin from Little Big Dog to spend around 80 hours retouching all your Facebook photos to make you look amazing!


Even if you’re fat and ugly, people will think that you used to look great! (something which most fat ugly people have never had!)


Or, live out your sick twisted fantasy of being in Avatar… whateves.



22: Deck the Dáil With Funky Jumpers!

La la la la la, la la la laaaaa!


You could buy a Funky Xmas Jumper for everyone in the Dáil. Then at least they’ll look nice and festive while they carrying out the evil plans from the IMF overlords!!



23: 9 Bottles of Whiskey On The Wall

They’re only €850 each. Bargain, just try not to spill any.



 24: Become Rapunzel!

No more lonely nights sitting in, crying with your girlfriends, in your pajamas, eating Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream wondering why you’re still single. Get in touch with Ceira Lambart who can magically make girls hair grow! Totes amazballs right?! Hand her your college fees and you’ll get around 187 inches of new hair! That’s about 15ft of long luscious locks, which you’ll be able to hang out your window and wait for Prince Charming to come along and whisk you away to the life of your dreams. Fanmazing.


 25: Walk Down Grafton Street And Relax

You could sign up for one of those “save a dying pigeon for only €20 a month” and the next time they try and stop you, you could look back at them and for once not lie to their face about already being signed up!


You’d never be bothered by them for 33 years. Sound.


So it’s a tough call between getting 400,000 Penny Jellies or getting yourself a degree – but if you choose the later, make sure you do it right the first time so you’re not wrecking your summer buzz and forking out even more money that could be going on 99s.





Filed in: College, Entertainment, Politics

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