The fall of another national institution due to the global and home-birthed financial recession has been announced by Government Ministers today. Iarnrod Eireann, the national rail service is to be de-boned, rolled up and burned, like a low budget Christmas dinner incorrectly prepared by a failure of a man, who has access to his kids but once a year.
Minister for Transport/Cars, Leo Vradakar made the following statement at lunchtime today on the steps of Leinster House, “After so many years in operation, a Iarnrod Eireann is to be wound down over the coming year in a bid to save public funds. While it is not an ideal solution to the financial issues this business faces, coupled with the fact that so many staff will join the live register, the deregulation of Iarnrod Eireann is unavoidable.”
Downsize
“There will be a sizable redundancy package for IR staff based upon years served but as most integral workers at Iarnrod Eireann are private contractors, it will be cheaper than most of you people expect. Furthermore, we expect to wind down all train services by November. The implementation of Privatised train services will resume immediately so to the ordinary passenger, the transition will be seamless”.
Ryanair will undertake the operation of the Dublin – Galway & Dublin – Cork line in the guise of its newly formed rail division, Ryanline. The Ryanline name has been available since the death of Gerry Ryan and has been looking for a home since 2010. “Dont worry, it is safe with us and I am not a superstitious man at all.” said Michael O’Leary in a press conference aired on all radio and TV channels, which was aired moments after the Governments’ Press Call.
Cost Cutting
As with any Ryanair service, ‘cost cutting’ will be the watchword of the day, Athenry Station will be the terminus for Galway and is to be renamed Galway East and Kildare Station will be renamed Dublin. A connecting bus will be available for some passengers who wish to travel to Dublin which is to be renamed Airstrip One and Galway renamed Oceana.
The Dublin to Cork Line will remain the unchanged but will not service any town aside from Dublin or Cork.
The Dublin – Belfast line will be destroyed to avoid the influx of Northerners to Summer music festivals on July 12th. The remains of the line will be used to film gritty dramas about recessionary poverty and the result of backward thinking public planning.
The Dublin to Limerick line is already the Dublin to Cork line only not as long. There is a train line to Westport from Dublin that has already been forgotten about so grass will grow over it soon and nobody will remember it anyway.
While this is good news for motorists, not all members of the public are happy with the current developments. Irelands alcoholics and drug addled citizens who hold free travel passes are apparently in uproar as they will have nothing to do during the day from now on.
Join us on Facebook for the latest breaking news stories.
