As a collaboration between tech giants Snapple and a Japanese man who successfully replaced the brain of a cat with 90’s era Tamagotchi, humanoid cyborg Gareth Bale was always going to go far. It seems however that scoring only two goals against West Ham on Monday was the least his creators expected of him.
In an interview with ThePotato.ie Yoshi Takanabe, Bale’s chief architect declared the use of Bale as “shambolic.”
“When we started screwing together joints of exquisite quality Kobe steel to make Bale-san, we under the impression that we were making something to be used for benefit of mankind. Like Welsh Robocop. What we have is a Tottenham management that have not even figured out how to fit his rocket pack attachment. And I bet you all toast in Tokyo they haven’t changed his catalytic converter since he got there!”
The future remains bright then for Bale, a potential move to a bigger club is a possibility in the Summer and in the meantime he will continue terrorizing defenses up and down the British Isles with his deft touch and high fuel economy.
But Mr. Takanabe has a word of advice for the Spurs backroom staff:
“He can run on diesel yes, but for best result, nut oil mixed with kerosene. Trade secret number one!”