Diageo, the owners of Guinness and Smirnoff vodka have hit out at the Irish government and the Catholic Church over pub closures on Good Friday. The law, dating from 1927, prevents pubs and off-licenses trading on Good Friday and is seen by many as one of the last public ties binding Church and State.
Diageo spokesman, Henry Englishman, in a press conference at St James’s Gate today, said that his multinational corporation and the publicans it supplies were tired of being dictated to for two days of the year, every year, by an arcane backward law.
“Diageo have worked tirelessly to lobby the government about repealing the Good Friday closure law. We’ve sent crates of booze to the Dail, sent TDs to the Galway races and we’ve even considered straight up bribery. Not only is having the pubs shut on a bank holiday depriving binge drinkers of an extra evening face down in their own sick in Temple Bar, it’s also bad for the economy as a whole. And when I say the economy, I mean the UK economy because that’s where all that lovely Guinness money is going.”
“Diageo are fighting for the consumers of Ireland. People should be allowed to drink what they want, when they want and where they want without the interference of the God botherers and Holy Joes.”
“So Diageo are advocating total freedom in the licensing laws?”, we asked. “As long as they’re drinking Diageo products, then yes “, the large beverage company replied back.
“Our strategy of promoting alcohol tolerance to the government has so far fallen on deaf ears so we’ve changed our plan of attack. If the Catholic Church wants the pubs shut on Easter Friday…well two can play at that game buddy. We’ll be lobbying the government to close all churches and pass into law a ban on all masses during Arthur’s Day. We’ll see how they like it.”
“Arthur’s Day should be a day free from the influence of religion where alcoholics, tourists and B list music acts with albums to promote, can drink to excess and celebrate a totally fabricated event, dreamt up by our cynical and highly paid advertising and marketing department. Having people going to mass and being distracted by religion only takes away from the true meaning of Arthur’s Day, which is to reflect on the achievements of the great man himself and to get gee-eyed drunk.”
Mr Englishman ended the press conference by shouting “To Arthur!” and making the sign of the pint.
