New Pope Head-hunted by Start-up Religions

Jorge Mario Bergoglio, Pope Francis

Yesterday evening in Rome, even before the white smoke had time to dissipate above the Vatican, Cardinal Jorge Bergoglio, or to give him his new title, Pope Francis the First, was already fielding telephone calls from leading international recruitment specialists, offering him lucrative positions in other religious institutions around the world.

Organisations as diverse as Scientology and the Moonies were eager to sound out whether the worldwide head of the Catholic Church would be willing to move for a more challenging position or for big money and stock options.

Randy Pepper, Senior Recruitment Consultant at Kramer, Kramer and Black was first on the phone to the new pontiff.

“As soon as his name was announced, I was straight on the phone to Jorge. I’d heard murmurs that perhaps he wasn’t happy in the religious sector a few years ago and might look to take a position in the finance industry, maybe something at Goldman Sachs. Now he’s gone as far as he can within Catholicism it’s only natural that he starts to look elsewhere for new challenges.”

Naomi Klein, CEO of Klein Executive Recruitment, was also on the phone to his holiness.

“I had a very particular brief from my client, The Church of Scientology, who are looking around for the right person to lead them into the next few decades. They want someone who will parachute into the role with the abilities and skills required to influence some very gullible people into not only parting with their money, but also to instil a sense of mindless devotion to an otherwise fantastical and ludicrous concept. We think Jorge has those skills.”

An unnamed spokesman for the Church of Scientology explains,

“Scientology is seen as a cult at the moment but we’re hoping that someone like Jorge can give us credibility and take us from a secret, private sect to finally going public as the world-wide religion of choice within 5 years. Jorge is a very hot commodity right now. He’s leading a religion whose senior managers have literally gotten away with murder and more. They’ve interfered with children and have still never posted a loss. Now that’s the guy you want running your company.”

When we asked the spokesman how they intended to entice the leader of the fastest growing religion away from his job, they said

The administration of the Catholic Church is huge. I mean really big. There’s something unwieldy about that. Large organisations get bogged down in bureaucracy and red tape. It takes so long to get anything done or effect real change. We can offer him the chance to make a difference, to challenge himself and to be in on something powerful yet sinister at the ground floor. And besides, that celibacy thing must be a real bummer. We can literally get him any Hollywood actress he wants. We’ve done it before.”

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