In a surprise and shocking move, it has just been announced that St. Patrick will be stepping down as the patron saint of Ireland.
The decision comes less than a week before the country’s biggest day of celebrations and has left many people around the country, and indeed around the globe, pondering and contemplating what this means for them and their future.
Sources close to St. Patrick (or how he will be known from now on, St. Patrick Emeritus) have cited a number of reasons for the announcement.
Many who know him have said that growing old has impacted his ability to purge the country of snakes. One anonymous source commented:
“Paddy has been trying his best to rid the place of those sneaky, poisonous, snaky bastards, but he just isn’t able for it any more. The place is full of them and he thinks it’s time he stepped down and let someone else try to banish them from the land.”
Controversial
Others, however are pointing at more controversial reasons for the saint to be stepping down. Some are claiming that it was only recently that St. Patrick found out that he was also considered a saint in Montserrat in the Caribbean and after the ridiculous weather recently, Patrick finally decided to retire to the sun and leave the Irish weather to his successor.
St. Patrick is also reported to have commented to a fellow saint, who can’t be named for legal reasons, that he would have left years ago if he had known about the tropical island. St. Patrick Emeritus made the comments to the saint while heavily intoxicated.
Replacement
Eyes are now searching for a replacement for St. Patrick. Someone who can stand up to the true meaning of the day and someone who can connect with the younger people in a way that they can relate to i.e getting shit faced.
However, extensive digging by The Potato’s research team have revealed that a replacement has already been found and will be announced this week.
Diageo bought the exclusive rights to the day for the next 100 years and will be making Arthur Guinness the new patron Saint of Ireland. They met with Pope Benedict in recent months, in secret, to ensure that they were able to upgrade Arthur from national “hero”, to official Patron Saint.
The news is expected to be announced officially by Diageo on Wednesday.
So, do you think Arthur Guinness will make a good patron saint? Have you say on our poll below.
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