The dark age of sporting scandals continues with shocking news that the Jamaican sprinter Usain St.Leo “Lightning” Bolt is in the midst of the doping scandal. The athlete who is considered to be the fastest man ever, yesterday admitted smearing cheetah blood on himself to making him run faster.
Cheetah blood is banned in athletic competitions by the WADA (World Anti-Doping Agency) as it is a powerful performance enhancer. Two main components of the feline plasma are Iso-buto-cheetatrol and 2,3-Hexi-cheetarane which when applied to the skin topically scientifically increases muscle output and makes the athlete perform faster.
Eyes are now turning on the footwear giants PUMA who sponsor the 100M World record holder. Cheetahs are the only extant member of the genus Acinonyx within the cat family Felidae. Some scientists believe that the cheetah should be moved into its sister taxon, none other than the genus Puma. Coincidence, not in this reporter’s eyes.
Puma have a lot of answering to do as we found out from an insider who informed The Potato that in the sweat-shops of South-East Asia where the footwear are made, the runners are sown together with thread dipped in cheetah blood.
I believe this is just the start of a huge scandal that will rock athletics the same way Lance Armstrong rocked cycling and Oscar Pistorius rocked the pretend Olympics. And remember where you heard it first: The Potato, that’s where.
Join us on Facebook
If you liked this, then join our mailing list! Craic delivered right to your inbox, ticket give-aways to the best comedy around and more!