In this weekly segment, I’ll (Account Exec.) be sharing with you the secrets to social media success so that you can apply them to your own marketing campaigns.
Marketing, whether online or offline is about persuading people to buy shite they don’t actually need and the Internet provides many platforms to help manipulate people on a regular basis!
As an account executive, I work with many top end brands, over charging them for basic services, but making them sound advanced by saying things like, engagement, interaction, sentiment and other elaborate words that sound really impressive, but are more or less focused around updating a Facebook status.
This week I want to look at successful blogging.
Are successful blogs built around creating valuable content that your readers want? Yeah, if you live in the stone age of social media.
But unfortunatly, the new trends say something completely different. We did an extensive in house study and can reveal that being sexy, is far more important to your traffic numbers, than anything else.
Being sexy online is far more powerful than creating content of any real value. Old school thought is that if you create original content that your market likes and finds useful, then your traffic will naturally grow.
This is bullshit. The most successful blogs are where the blogger is a bit of a ride and posts pictures of themselves online doing random things, like eating a bun or trying to park their car.
It doesn’t matter what industry you are in either. It could be anything from technology to financial consulting – being sexy will add thousands of unique users to your site each month and many more to your social media platforms.
So, before you go about creating a content schedule, an online media strategy or a paid advertising campaign, ask yourself this question:
Am I sexy enough?
Are you sexy enough to be a success online? If the answer is no, there are 3 things you can do, to become sexier and thus, begin to explode your traffic levels month on month.
1: Gym Time
Hit the gym. Go on a rigorous training program for 12 weeks and shed those additional flabby pounds. Once your body has transformed, get the iPhone out to take some selfies in the mirror and boom, you’re an instant online success.
People will like, comment and share everything you post, because they’ll fancy you and think by doing so, you will wind up together and make loads of babies.
It’s easier to manipulate people when you’re sexy, so use this little trick to your very own advantage!
2: Borrow Sexiness
Ok, so lets say you couldn’t be arsed hitting the gym, but still want those amazing online results. Well, all you have to do is change your identity online. That’s the beauty of the Internet, most of it is based on lies and it’s easy to change people’s perception of you!
All you need to do is to download some other sexy person’s pictures from their Facebook and upload them as your own. An extra tip, is to take someone’s pictures from a different country as it will be harder to match you to theirs!
If you want to take a more honest and moral approach – which marketing isn’t about but whatever – then take a night-course in photoshop and alter all your own pictures.
You could have the body of your dreams (online) without ever leaving the couch. You can eat and drink whatever you want and still look amazing to the online world! Nip, tuck and airbrush those blemishes away and you’ll see the traffic to your site soar!
They are the 3 most effective ways to become a sexy blogger and therefore a successful one too!
And remember, sexy bloggers get all the traffic. No one listens to ugly people. It’s science.
Remember to like, comment and share this article so that the rainforest can be saved. And baby seals.