Potato sources today have confirmed that premium IRA membership numbers have rose dramatically after the United Kingdom gave Ryan Dolan’s performance of ‘Only Love Survives’ one measly point.
Millions tuned in to watch the Strabane resident take to the stage, in what Pitchfork described as the ‘most eclectic talented music competition, the world has ever seen’. Although expecting the standard 12 points from the United Kingdom, the citizens of Ireland were left in a state of utter bewilderment as it was announced that Ireland would only receive only one point from our neighbours.
One of Ryan’s lubed-up bodhran players stated “It’s like Bloody Sunday all over again”.
An unidentified IRA spokesperson (Gerry Adams) claimed that the “phone didn’t stop all night with people wanting to join” and that “a secretary had to be hired, to cope with such high demand.”
Eventually finishing last in the competition, Ryan Dolan remains upbeat over his Eurovision flop stating that “it’s the taking part that counts. It’s only uphill from here. Sure look at Donna and Joseph McCaul? Or even Mickey Joe Harte”
Ryan Dolan’s father took the disappointment rather bad as he was found at his residence in the foetal position saying the words ‘800 years’ over and over again. He is currently residing in Dundrum mental hospital.
Gerry Adams (the unidentified IRA Spokesperson) also went on to say “in all fairness, who the fuck in Ireland actually, physically picked up the phone and thought “Do you know what I must do? I must vote for Bonnie fucking Tyler”. It’s Madness. All I’ll say is 7 points minus one point equals our six counties back”.
The good Friday agreement has since been rendered ‘null and void’.
*Margaret Thatcher was unable to comment at the time of printing primarily due to the fact that she is still dead.