Massive Levels Of The Fear Reported Nationwide

the fear

Officials today have reported that the bank holiday weekend has brought with it a tragic increase the amount of people suffering from The Fear.

Hospitals around the country are admitting people with severe symptoms that include flash backs, paranoia, text anxiety syndrome, a phobia of checking their bank accounts, hatred for themselves, headaches, stiffness and an irrational fear that everyone they know hates them and wants nothing more to do with them.

Bank Holiday

It is a well know and unfortunate fact, that the incidents of The Fear are far greater on bank holiday weekends than any other time of the year.

More people take to pubs and clubs to enjoy the extra day off, but many wind up going too far and suffering from the deliberating symptoms the next day.

Health professionals are also warning people of the 2 day hangover and resulting fear that many will be suffering from due to the intensity of the bank holiday weekend.

Science

Alcohol induces the fear 12-18 hours after the person has began to ingest the substance. The alcohol acts on the brain to lower a person’s inhibitions, making them not care about what other people think or about the consequences of their actions. It can cause men to act more like an asshole and women to become a little slutier.

After the 12-18 hour period, the inhibitions that were prevented from acting the previous night at a steady normal rate, flood the person’s brain and make them hate themselves for ever existing. These massive levels of fear, guilt and shame then begin to impair a person’s ability to function in normal social settings.

The individual may find themselves turning their phone off, locking themselves in their bedroom and wrapping a quilt around them, while they try and cope with the serious issue by watching various DVD box sets.

Treatment

There are no official cures yet for this crippling illness. Some doctors do recommend nursing the symptoms with emotional eating, denial and chronic masturbation.

Prolonged sleep, copious amounts of tea and sobbing quietly to oneself has also been shown to work effectively too.

People are asked to take extra special care when returning to work tomorrow as they may have offended someone they know, touched a married colleague inappropriately or fell through a table while giving their boss a jockey-back over the bank holiday weekend.

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6 Responses to "Massive Levels Of The Fear Reported Nationwide"

  1. Len says:

    Don’t forget going to church to light a candle for your soul

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