Your Weekly Horoscopes With The Salmon Of Knowledge

weekly horoscopes

Aries

Last night’s supermoon has left you with incredible superhuman abilities. Use them wisely and know that with great power comes great responsibility – then usually a load of movie deals.

Taurus

Life will start to shift and look more positive once you purchase yourself tickets to The Potato: Live & Mashed. Although a shameless plug for the show on the 7th of July, once sitting in the crowd, you’ll feel better than you ever have done before and know it was the right decision to make.

Gemini

Taurus above you there has a spare ticket to an event next month. Get in touch and buddy up. #lols

Cancer

Today I will eat a pastrami sandwich. No one cares about you.

Leo

Only today will you finally realise that the Central Perk coffee shop in Friends is actually a pun. Similarly, you didn’t know that Flo Rida is just the US State Florida, with a space added to it.

Virgo

You and your iPhone have hit a rough patch in your relationship. Even though you guys were so close and spent so much time together, it appears that your iPhone just doesn’t have the energy for it any more. It’s shutting itself off from you emotionally and doesn’t appear to be turned on by you for too long. All relationships have their troubles, so it down and talk before making any rash decisions.

Libra

You really hope that you don’t get that job this week because you have grown accustomed to the freedom unemployment has brought with it. Daytime TV, afternoon walks and pitch and put on a Wednesday morning have made it an enjoyable 6 months that you’re just not ready to give up yet.

Scorpio

This weeks Euromillion’s numbers: 01 15 16 19 29 02 05. You’re welcome.

Sagittarius

Mainly dry today with sunny spells apart from isolated showers developing for a time. However, outbreaks of drizzle or light rain will appear in the southwest later today. Moderate, northwest to west winds will back southwest to south and slacken later. Highest temperatures 13 to 17 degrees Celsius.

Capricorn

Pregnant.

Aquarius

Drunk smelly bus lady will decide to sit beside you today. She’ll try and start some sort of aggressive conversation with you, just pretend not to hear her by putting your earphones in, even though the battery it dead. Enjoy!

Pisces

The end of a binge drinking session will leave you on a bus beside a welcoming stranger. Engage them in conversation and overpower them with your mixed smell of booze and urine and see what unfolds for the future! #yaaaaay

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