Hollywood Stardom Beckons In an announcement that is guaranteed to disappoint Liverpool supporters and shock the wider football world, wantaway Liverpool striker Luis Suarez has repeated his determination to quit football for Hollywood.
Last April in a world exclusive, The Potato broke the news that Suarez had been offered a leading role in the next Twilight movie as a result of a result of his biting performances on the football pitch. Again, speaking exclusively to a Potato correspondent, Suarez declared that, “ For me, nothing has changed. Hollywood is where my future lies and I am very happy with the body-parts, sorry, parts I’ve been offered.”
Dismissing suggestions that his premature retirement has been prompted by controversy surrounding his recent 11-match ban for biting a Chelsea defender, Suarez stated that he now looks on the incident as “a much misunderstood cry for help.” “And by cry for help, I’m not talking about Ivanisovic’s reaction during the match,” he declared to a Potato reporter. “It was just my way of defending the Liverpool attack from constant media accusations that it was toothless.”
Asked whether he thought the Liverpool forward line was likely to be as potent in his absence, Suarez shook his head, noting “They’re certainly going to lack a bit of bite, no?” Mr Suarez proceeded to deny in the most strident terms that he was in fact a cannibal. “It is true that I like to play for teams, like Liverpool, that have human organs in their name but he went on deny that he had ever had a trial for Hearts. “For obvious reasons, Arsenel is never going to happen,” the Uruguayan superstar snorted with derision. “That would leave a bad taste in my mouth.”
In response to queries as to the movie genre that he was drawn to, Suarez, predictably stated that he was a major “fang, ” sorry “fan,”of the Twilight franchise. In another Potato world exclusive, he stated that talks that would see him take the starring role in a megabuck biopic of his childhood hero, Jack the Ripper, were at “an advanced stage.”
Tinseltown insiders, however, have poured scorn on Suarez’s dreams of becoming a Hollywood player. Speaking on condition of anonymity, one high-profile agent confided to a Potato reporter that from what she had seen on the football pitch, his modest talent would be best suited to “bit parts.”
Article: Pat McDonagh