With the arrest of New England Patriots player Aaron Hernandez for murder last week bringing the total number of NFL players arrested over the summer to 34, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell is looking into the possibility of starting a new franchise in a prison.
“With Hernandez being arrested, and for murder too, like that’s pretty big news, we couldn’t ask for bigger publicity for this sport and prison. And then a day later Joe Lefeged leads the police on a car chase and gets arrested on gun charges. There has never been a better time to build on this link between the NFL and our national prison service”.
Goodell’s plan is ambitious, but he is convinced that the new franchise is a huge opportunity not just for the sport, but for the wellbeing of current players.
“If you look at players such as Titus Young (Detroit Lions) and Evan Rodriguez (Chicago Bears), those guys are always in and out of prison so this would give them a solid base from which to play. And Pacman Jones, wow man, he has like 40 arrests a season, this would be perfect for him.”
“In addition to this, prisons are already set up with their own gym equipment, so there’s probably a whole bunch of big guys already in there that could do a job on the field that have been overlooked by the teams. In relation to the draft system, I’m sure we could find some really talented kids who get caught with a bit of marijuana just before the draft this would be the perfect place to get drafted to.”
When pushed on which team may be relocated to facilitate the new franchise, Goodell signed off with “Probably the Dallas Cowboys. No one really likes them anyway”.
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Article by Padraig Fox
“Padraig Fox is a former resident of these shores, now based in the USA. When he’s not in a pub crying into his pint and pining for Carlow he can be found at padraigversusstarbucks.tumblr.