Your Weekly Horoscopes With the Salmon Of Knowledge

weekly horoscopes

Aries

This weeks Euromillion’s numbers: 01 15 14 19 39 02 06. You’re welcome.

Taurus

Mainly dry for the rest of this evening with a good deal of cloud, but some sunny intervals also. Rain reaching the west coast around nightfall will soon spread eastwards to all areas. Southerly winds will become strong and gusty overnight but it will stay mild; lowest temperatures 9 to 12 degrees Celsius.

Gemini

Although you’ve been searching and applying for many jobs in the past, deep down you secretly hope you don’t get them as you’ve grown to like the lie ins and free spirited nature of being on the dole. Alter your CV in a negative light to make you out to be slightly racist, to ensure that you can continue to apply for countless jobs, while enjoying the benefits you currently have.

Cancer

Is what you will get if you accept that job as an asbestos salesman. May reconsider alternative employment options.

Leo

With Mars coming into your star sign this week maybe it’s time to stop sleeping around and try and develop the personal and emotional skills to maintain a healthy relationship. No one is going to marry a slut in fairness.

Virgo

Room-mates bring their very own challenges into your life again this week. Dishes, bins and pubic hair in the sink will all test your temperament. Try and be calm, or maybe just flip and go mental at them. The calm approach hasn’t worked before really now has it?

Libra

Just keep on interning. It’ll workout one day.

Scorpio

Your stange dreams that haunt you at night have nothing to do with your real life. They have everything to do with you eating hoards of cheese in bed.

Sagittarius

Although you’ve been able to work more hours during the summer as college is no more, you’ve come to realise that working retail has slowly made you hate the general public and most of the people you work with. Nothing the cosmic forces can do for you as the hatred from retail is too strong.

Capricorn

Your livelong dream of reuniting the Rolling Stones is dashed when you discover that apparently they’re still together.

Aquarius

You will realise that having “backed Brazil to the hilt” wasn’t really as ballsy a move as you thought in the fullness of footballing history.

Pisces

You will find yourself following your dreams on a daily basis from here on out. Incidentally you will also start to have a recurring nightmare about working in a deadend job where everybody hates you this week.

 

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