Orphanages all over Ireland have closed their doors as record numbers of crying Leaving Cert students registered themselves, resulting in over-crowding.
“It’s amazing. At half nine I looked out my window and there was a wave of hysterical teenagers. Some checking themselves in, others being checked in by their parents” said Mary Tufnel (Nun in charge)
The sudden influx comes only a few short hours after Leaving Cert students from all over the country received their results. According to the Department of Education, the sudden popularity of Candy Crush saga and Tamagotchi’s has resulted in record failure rates for 2013.
“It’s not been great. Almost 92% of students have failed higher level maths with the other 16% getting an NG” stated Ruairí Quinn who is clearly doing a shit job.
There are reports from all over the country of grief stricken students wandering the countryside, seeking refuge in old barns and in telephone boxes as their parents want nothing to do with them anymore.
One disappointed parent from Carlow stated “I have no Daughter. Not any more. I told all my friends and work colleagues that she was going to do Medicine. 570 points she said she would get. And what does she hand me? 550. I have never been more ashamed in my entire life. We had the parchment destroyed. She is dead to me”.
With many parents so ashamed, some have even gone to extreme measures.
“I was told that the family would no longer support me. No-one would even look me in the eye. And eventually they decided enough is enough. Tomorrow at 3 o’clock, I will be aborted” stated little Timmy McGrath, who wasn’t even doing his Leaving Cert.
With many Orphanages struggling to deal with overcrowded conditions and the leak in the roof (always a leak in the roof of an Orphanage), staff are finding it extremely difficult to round up all students to make sure they are appropriately tagged.
“Seamus has been in the woods all day trying to round up the students that have lost their minds. Many of those rounded up have been found chewing bark and make wild animals noises” stated Sister Ann
The vast majority of students have been rightly abandoned due to the crippling shame and despair that they have laid of their parent’s doorstep leaving them with no other choice. Young Sally Ann Rodgers had dreams of becoming a qualified Gynaecologist, yet it now seems that it will become no more than a hobby.
“I rang ahead and told them the bad news. At first it was words of comfort. I could barely read my results as the ink had smudged due to my tears. When I arrived home, things got worse. I opened my kitchen door and my parents were sitting at the kitchen table with the parish priest. I was told that I failed them as a child and as a child of God. I was cast out. Now I’m fisting people behind Eddie Rockets for leftover chips. I don’t know what to do”
Although things escalated quite quickly during the aftermath of the release of the leaving Cert results, conditions are expected to improve in the near future as the Nuns will realise that most of the students are 18 years old and can fucking deal with themselves.