Exposed: What You Need to Know About The All Ireland Final

Dublin Mayo All Ireland final 2013

While the rest of the country is scrambling to cover their houses in bunting and paint their children in team colours ahead of tomorrows clan clash, we at The Potato have gone that extra mile to expose the secrets behind the preparation for tomorrows All Ireland Football Final 2013.

Weather

In a effort to create the perfect weather for the match the GAA has employed mystical Celtic Druids from the Burren region. Having been successful in obtaining the GAA an All Ireland Hurling Final replay between Clare and Cork, the Druids were immediately called when the weather took a turn for the worst in the last week.

GAA spokesman Denny O’Malley explained it’s necessary for the recruitment of future players that children have a magical memory of the day.

“Sure what eejet would be willing to play, week in, week out, and basically abandon their friends, family, girlfriends and sex lifes for free if we didn’t employ a little brainwashing in their youth. The Druids have assured us that wonderful weather will seal the memory of GAA glory and pride in the minds of the children and lead them into a life of misery all for the pride of the county.”

Mayo Preparation

In an effort to maintain team morale it seems the Mayo County Board has gained a court order forbidding Enda Kenny from interacting with any member of the Mayo team. It seems that during last years All Ireland Enda Kenny pushed his way past the Mayo management in order to give the team a half time speech in order to motivate them.

Given the 4 point defeat Mayo suffered it obviously didn’t achieve the desired result. Manager James Horan explained exactly how the wind was knocked out of them by Enda’s futile attempt to re-enact a speech by Barack Obama.

“Well sure when I saw himself coming into the dressing room, I thought to myself, well holy god here we go. Enda started on about how aren’t the boys great to be playing their hearts out despite the crippling recession, the impending horrible budget and how the lads should all have a group hug as most of them will probably be heading off to Dubai in the coming months. Sure jaysus didn’t some of the boys start crying there and then and no matter what I did I just couldn’t motivate them out of it.”

There was also talk of actually trying to ban Enda Kenny from Croke Park itself tomorrow but in an effort to maintain sportsmanship a vito has been placed on the Taoiseach speaking at all during the match. There seems to be also support in trying to extend the period for a few months after the match too but this notion is to be reviewed in time.

Dublin

Having been issued a sex ban after failing to make it to last year’s All Ireland, Coppers shall be employing a female only policy tomorrow night if or when Dublin win the match. Cathal Jackson noted that it’ll be his own personal thank you to the Dublin team for bringing Sam back to the capital if the sex ban is lifted.

“The boys in blue have suffered enough. I don’t think I have ever witnessed greater pain in men’s faces than what I have seen in the eyes of the Dublin players over the last year. It is a testament to the Dublin players that even though numerous fans have flung themselves at them throughout the year, they have remained faithful to their county’s hope for glory. I literally saw Bernard Brogan punch through a wall in the smoking garden one night.”

As we at The Potato are an equal opportunity employer we will be supporting both teams with equal indifference tomorrow and taking the opportunity to watch our Breaking Bad box sets. Good luck to both teams and we’ll see you all in Coppers!

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