International Geopolitics With Francois Hollande

Francois Hollande

We here at the understand the world is a complicated and confusing place. Especially when your priorities are getting the shift (at least) and distracting your current employer from seeing the higher profit margins in using you as a low cost sausage filling. So in our infinitely helpful nature we have sought out the best and brightest from across the world to summarise the week’s events and stories into digestible news croutons and to give expert insight.

For the first in the series we hand over to this week’s contributor: French President Francois Hollande.

Zut! Alors! Pamplemousse! What an interesting week.

Russia and the US began by reaching a deal on Syrian chemical weapons. Monsieur Obama has reassured me personally that this will bring to an end any chance that an escalation of the Syrian conflict would impact halloumi exports from the region. This great victory for France coupled with a new humus agreement with Lebanon mean a new era for Franco-Middle Eastern Salad relations. This is in keeping with my 2012 election promises of a cheese in every salad and a mistress in every bed.

Staying in the Middle East, Iran has begun to show signs of softening its stance on nuclear weapons. There is little doubt that this historic move is largely due to behind-the-scenes negotiations between myself and his… democraticness the Ayatollah Khameni. The Ayatollah has long been keen to begin internet dating and I have been telling him for years that with the US trade embargo he was never going to get onto a good website like After trawling the dregs of humanity at for the past year, he has seen sense and is now viewable at Likes include prosecuting religious crimes, supporting militants and rawdoggin’.

Frau Merkel, Germany’s favourite “unf*ckable lard-arse,” has made a strong final push for her third term as Chancellor. Key to her appeal over the past few years has been her policy of austerity for the more fun European countries and sensible pants suits. I wish to personally congratulate both Frau Merkel and her opponent, the grey-faced, miserable Teutonic everyman Peer Steinbruck, on a well-run campaign and invite them both to relax after a hard-fought election with a celebratory sausage and kilogram of sauerkraut. Or whatever slop those Germans consider food. Zut!

Finally, commiserations to Mayo on their performance in the All Ireland final.  Mayo has a special place in the heart of every French person, specifically in our cholesterol clogged arteries and on our overpriced fancy-dan sandwiches.

Haughtiest regards,

Francois Hollande.

French Premier and garlic enthusiast.




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