As Grand Theft Auto V becomes available to the Irish market tonight, one man is extremely disappointed by how well the video game is expected to sell: Rockstar Games Vice-President, Dan Houser.
Houser has expressed his concern at forecasted sales, fearing that fans of the popular GTA franchise are ignoring the game’s core message. “Why are people buying GTA V?” Houser asked, “People should be stealing that shit!”
Despite the fact that Rockstar Games are in line to make a profitable return on their latest instalment in the GTA franchise, Houser appeared to be utterly bewildered.
Explaining the situation as he sees it, Houser said;
“This game, and every GTA game we’ve ever made, has been all about finding what you want and taking it. And now, you’re telling me that fans of this franchise are politely queuing outside shops, waiting in line until midnight and waiting their turn to step up and hand over €60 for the chance to play? That sickens me. They know copies of the game are already in the shop, right? Those games don’t just magically appear at midnight. Honestly, if I don’t hear of some retailers being looted or held at gunpoint, I might need to re-consider making any more of these games.”
According to Houser, the concern that people have been playing GTA and are not choosing lives of crime and violence has haunted him for some time. “It’s as if the game has had no effect on some people”, Houser said, between snorting lines of cocaine off the back of an Asian prostitute. “I mean, we at Rockstar Games are happy to charge people at least €60 for a luxury game in a fucked-up economy – so we’re committed to criminal activity; everyone else needs to step up.”
When asked if the latest edition of the game held any special motivation for gamers to become criminals, Houser lay down the Beretta M9 he had been polishing and burst into wild laughter. “We have some special features that will drive gamers insane…” Houser began cryptically.
Over the course of a weekend of drugs, alcoholic and prostitutes, Houser revealed one special detail that may shock prospective buyers of GTA V. Rockstar Games have added a safety feature before the game menu becomes available. This feature requests a unique user code with the implication that the code must be entered before the game will continue.
However, this code is only included in the GTA V case if the game has been legitimately purchased. Once this code has been entered by the unsuspecting gamer, the raw and uncut certified for over 18s GTA V becomes unavailable and is replaced by a basic game of biblical trivia called “Where is your God now?”
Houser expects the new feature to separate the true GTA fans from the fakes. “We’re calling it the ‘Little Bitch Mode’. It’s really going to light fires under people’s asses when they hit that point… I mean, if they weren’t criminals before that…” Houser grinned, wiping blood from his face, “Now, that’s enough questions about the game. Grab a shovel and follow me – these hookers aren’t going to bury themselves.”