Spiders Call For Action After Recent Spate Of Fatal Attacks

spider ireland

Above: John Webb – Head of The Irish spider Association

The Irish Spider Association (ISA) is calling on the government to implement proper legislation to help protect the Irish spider population from being persecuted by screaming Irish women.

The screaming women, often armed with their left slipper, have been attacking and often murdering spiders in their own homes and the ISA claims that the number of incidents that takes place is grossly under reported. They claim that spiders should be afforded the same right to live as everyone else and shouldn’t be subjected to attacks any time they go out.

However, countering the ISA’s viewpoint, the Women With Slippers Against Spiders (WSAS) movement, claims that women should be free to protect themselves from the invasive behaviours that the spiders engage in. They argue that spiders break into the home late at night and are hell bent on wrecking havoc and traumatising everyone inside.

The WSAS claim that huge spiders – some being up to 2 inches in leg span – often target women to torment in their own homes and that they shouldn’t be allowed to quietly walk across a floor or wall without any consequences. They claim that women should be free to murder the creatures no questions asked, because they are trespassing on private property.

Speaking on behalf of the Irish spider popular, John a 2 year old Daddy-long-legs, spoke to the potato:

It’s a disgrace. Not only is it bad enough that we have to create our homes from our own poo, but now we must live in fear that giants, many thousands of times bigger than us, are hell bent on murdering us, even though we have never done a thing to them personally. It’s one of the most disgusting cases of racism we’ve even se-“

Unfortunately John couldn’t finish what he was saying as a flying slipper smashed into his face and killed him.

The ISA will be calling on all it’s members to partake in “sit ins” around the country this evening, which will see spiders in many Irish homes, sitting on the floor in front of the TV for the entire night.

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