A trip to Dublin has had life-changing consequences for one naive bog-orphan, who was left in a catatonic state following a night out in the city,
writes Gerry McBride.
The incident occurred in Temple Bar on Saturday the 25th of January when Fergus Massey, 22, went into shock while queuing for an ATM in the popular tourist hell-hole. The yong gason from Crum Co. Meath was rushed to The Mater hospital following attempts by a friend to revive him.
Eager to get to the bottom of this era-defining moment, we spoke that friend to see just what scrambled the poor sod-jockeys brain.
“He saw two lesbians shifting each other“, said Sean O’Green, 22. “What you have to understand about our Fergus is that he’s never really left his hometown. I’m up here studying Civil Engineering and Hospitality in DCU, so he comes up every now and then for a night out… and every time we go out something like this happens“.
Gripped by this story, we pressed young O’Green for more information.
“Lookit, our hometown is fairly backwards. One shop, one pub. Fergus has lived there his whole life, so whenever he sees something new it kinda gobsmacks him for a while. It was only last year that he came up here and saw his very first black person, and that scrambled his brain so much that he couldn’t speak for over an hour“
The lesbians, O’Green, tell us about the damn lesbians.
“So yeah, we needed to get money from the bank machine because we had only brought out a hundred euro each and we had been drinking for a half an hour in Temple Bar”, recalled our man.
“There was two girls ahead of us in the queue and when they got their money, one said to the other that she had to get a bus but she had a nice night, could they meet again sometime. The other girl said sure, and then they gave each other a kiss goodbye. No big deal, just two gay girls saying goodnight after a date. I said to Fergus to move up the queue, but he was frozen to the spot”
“The look on his face went from shock to arousal to moral outrage, turned into disbelief stopping off at fear and Catholic guilt before settling on a vacant, thousand yard stare. I dragged him out of the line and sat him down in case he keeled over and split his face open. He’s still in the hospital now but he should be grand as long as he doesn’t see anything else that his poor field-loving brain can’t cope with“.
Before we went to print, The Potato learned that Fergus Massey died in hospital following a massive brain aneurysm that occurred while receiving a bed bath from a Filipino male nurse.
Our condolences go out to the 14 people who live in Crum.