The government has declared this coming Sunday to be the last day it is acceptable to break up with your partner before Valentines Day, without being put on the countries Official Register of Total Arseholes.
The deadline was drawn by the Minister For Lovin’ Affairs Sheila Heartman and marks the first time the government has given such a stern warning to potential arseholes not to be arseholin’. Speaking to The Potato, Minister Heartman dropped these sick beats;
“Year after year we see more and more men and women who think it’s acceptable to break up with their partners right before Valentines Day”, chirped Her Ministery.
“We’re not saying that people should be forced to stay in relationships where they aren’t happy, but there’s no sense in being a total cunt about it. This year we’re drawing a line in the sand; if you ditch your better half after this coming Sunday you’re going in the big book o’ Arseholes, and you will be forced to sign “I am a dickhead” in your local Garda Station once a week“.
When challenged that the Official Register of Total Arseholes was normally reserved for cinema texters and people who stop in yellow box junctions and therefore should not be used for those who are probably just cheap bastards, who want to save a few quid by not buying their other half a Valentines gift, Minnie Haha countered with this shizz;
“Look; if you don’t have the money to buy someone a gift, that’s something you should discuss with them. If you’re in any sort of a loving relationship, the other party will surely understand. If you feel so awkward about it that you think a break-up is the only mature way to deal with it, then it’s best for both of you if part company, but Christ on a Segway; give a bit of notice.”
“Leaving it later than this Sunday means the other person might organise a night away, book a restaurant, buy you a gift… what happens if you can their ass a week before V-Day? You’ve wasted their time and their money when you could have spared them all of that, you complete and total ARSEHOLE”.
Concluding the rantings of a woman who has clearly been dumped once on February 13th, MHeartz speaketh;
“Between November and March is difficult for people in unhappy relationships, as any break-up during this time reeks of someone ducking out before Christmas or Valentines Day. There’s a small window in the middle of January that’s enough after Christmas and enough before Valentines Day for relationships to end without anyone losing too much face… we’re just making it official this year.”
“Whatever bullshit spineless excuse you want to use to get away from your partner, you better trot it out over the next two days or else you’ll be going door-to-door telling your neighbours you’re on the Arsehole Register“.