Following yesterdays outrage that the monument known as The Spire of Dublin might be re-named after deceased South African president Nelson Mandela, the people of our Fair City launched a successful campaign which will see the big spike rebranded as The Stephen Cluxton Point, writes Gerry McBride.
Since its completion over ten years ago, the Spire (officially called The Monument of Light, although abso-fucking-lutley nobody calls it that) has seen its fair share of controversy among Dubliners; what is it, what was the point in building it, why spend so much money on what is for all intents and purposes a very big pole.
However, yesterdays announcement by Dublin City Council that the skewer would be renamed after the man who handed the Dubs their first All-Ireland victory in 16 years.
“We couldn’t be happier to announce that The Spire will now be known as The Stephen Cluxton Point”, shouted Mayor of Dublin and part-time taxi driver Anto Dunne through a plume of John Player Blue smoke.
“All this nonsense about it getting named after Mandela really got the people annoyed enough to make them finally get off their holes and settle on a name once and for all. Don’t get me wrong, Mandela was a top man, but what the fuck had he to do with Dublin, really? Everyone in this town remembers when Steo Clucko kicked that ball into Hill 16, handing us victory over those Kerry boggers. That point is one of the most famous moments in Dublin history; more famous that the 1913 Lock Out, more famous than the 1916 rising… and given that the Spire points into the sky, it’s cold if you touch it, Ste’ Clu’ is a cool customer, the thing looks like a big goalpost… it makes perfect sense. Think about it. Go on, I’ll wait; have a think about it“
Having being picked over such historical figures as Daniel O’Connell, Padraig Pearse, James Larkin, anyone really, we wanted to have a quick chat with Mr. Cluxton… unfortunately the notoriously shy B.I.B was unavailable for comment, amid rumours that he lives in an isolated cave somewhere in the Dublin mountains, hunting deer using an O’Neills football and only sleeping for a half an hour every night.