Only a week into his New Years Resolution to get fit and lose some weight, boisterous tub o’ guts Floyd Sackett has announced he has become a God damn expert on all aspects of nutrition and physical training.
Clocking in today at a whole 10 ounces less than he did when he started his allegedly bitchin’ fitness regime, Floyd drove the half-mile to his workplace this morning and proceeded to dole out advice to the rest of his co-workers.
“You gotta look after yourselves guys” Floyd told the lads in the warehouse. “You gotta start that cardio, cardio is vital. Can’t do without cardio. Get on that elliptical machine, that’s the one. The lipper, I call it. Get on that lipper, get a sweat going. You’ll drop the weight like THAT. Last week, I couldn’t even look at a treadmill.
“Now, I’ve gotten myself up to ten minutes! Gonna try break that tonight, try beat my personal best, you know, you gotta keep trying to beat that PB, gotta challenge yourself. You guys ever feel like working out, you should call down with me. I’ll show you around, show you how everything works. Seriously guys, you owe it to yourselves”
Following his motivational talk with the storehands, Floyd then went to his cubicle in the offices, where he talked his co-workers through his stretching routine.
“Look, we’re all very happy that Floyd has started to look after himself a bit better” said put-upon purchasing manager Sinead Merchant. “But we’re all just a little worn out by him going on about it all the fucking time. He came in this morning and started showing me how I should stretch my triceps. A week ago he couldn’t point to a fucking tricep.”
“And the diet, Jesus Christ the fucking diet… do I look like I want a detailed list of all the fucking fruit someone eats in a day? Floyd needs to realize that I have work to do, and it’s more important than hearing about his fucking Juice machine for the ninth fucking time that day”
Driven by his newfound physical expertise Floyd spent the rest of the day walking past reflective surfaces and making approving faces at himself, before swinging past the vending machines for a Twix.
“I’ve earned it, you know”, he said, eating both fingers of chocolate at the same time. “Once you put in the hard work your metabolism goes through the roof and you can ease up a bit, stop being so strict. I’m pushing myself so hard in the evenings that I need all the fuel I can get, and there’s no better fuel for a quick energy blast than some sugars and eh, complex carbohydrates.”
“Besides, a Twix is actually fairly good snack to eat on the scale of things. It’s not like I’m eating a Snickers. Mind you, the amount of calories in a Snickers would be gone like THAT when I hit the ‘lipper tonight. You know, it’d be like I didn’t even eat it in the first place. Yeah, no problem. In fact I think I just might… do you have the change of a fiver? This machine only takes coins”.