Beleaguered Manchester United manager boss David Moyes is hoping a new strategy will help improve his sides frankly horrific recent form.
Writes Gerry McBride.
The controversial plan is to have members of the put-upon Premier League Champions first team engage in extra-marital affairs, in the hope that they will regain some of their currently absent glory.
Speaking to The Potato following his sides comically bad display against Sunderland in which 11 of the best paid sportsmen on the planet seemingly forgot how to kick a football, the terror-headed gaffer organised words into the following order;
“It’s no secret our form this season has been abysmal and although we can fob a lot of the blame off by claiming we didn’t have a full squad of players due to injury, the fact remains that there is something missing from this side”, scotched the scotsman.
“Looking back over the victorious seasons enjoyed by Sir Alex during his tenure, one thing stood out; most of his players were having a bit on the side at the time. Ryan Giggs did sterling work in midfield while he was tupping his brothers wife, and Rooney was scoring goals galore back when he was getting serviced by an old prostitute in a massage parlour. If we start encouraging players to two-time their wives and girlfriends, maybe a bit of that old United spirit might come back into the side“.
Although the plan flies in the face of the long-held belief that abstinence from sexual relations boosts performance during competition (some boxers blue-ball themselves for weeks before a big fight), Moyes is betting his job on the last-ditch attempt to turn his team around.
“When I look at my players running around on the pitch, it’s like looking at a bunch of awkward spotty teenage virgins skulking around a non-alco disco. They haven’t a fucking clue how to get what they want and they don’t know what to do when they get it” said Moyes during a long soak in a hot bath.
“It’s not a managers place to pry into what these guys are getting from their girlfriends and wives when they go home but it is a managers job to ensure that when these guys are on the pitch, they’re focused on the game. I reckon if I line up a few nights out for these lads with some Page 3 Stunners and some Glamour models, maybe put on a free bar so everyone gets nice and drunk… it’s only a matter of time before they all start riding each other like it’s going out of style”
“I reckon if we have De Gea getting his spuds drained by some former Big Brother contestant every other Tuesday while Johnny Evans and Patrice Evra lash some of the girls from Zoo or Nuts out of it, that’ll really shore up our back line. We’ll need a few exotic dancers to come in and lie under Giggs, Carrick and Fletcher on Fridays to help strengthen our midfield, and if Rooney can introduce Chicarito and Van Persie to a few of his old friends down the massage parlour and get them rid like the Rock of Gibraltar, that should leave us with a formidable strike force up front“
When asked if his plan had any real chance of succeeding, the normally stoic Moyes broke down in tears.
“I have to try something”, blubbed the fingerprint-faced manager. “I just can’t keep watching us playing so shite every time we stand on a pitch. Have you any better ideas? I’m fucking desperate here pal“