As Fast Food chains brace themselves for the annual post-New-Years slump in business as many people cut out junk food for at best a fortnight, one Pizza Delivery Chain prepares to launch its latest value meal deal.
Aimed squarely at those who have lost all interest in personnel health and appearance, the “Fuck It” Deal from fledgling pizza restaurant “Pizza Hoop” provides almost twice the calories per euro than its nearest competitor.
Pizza Hoop proprietor Frank Reuben made the following noises;
“Pizza Hoop had struggled to compete with the meal deals offered by other Pizza Chains during 2013; everywhere you looked, people were giving pies away. Some places offered two medium sized pizzas with wedges, garlic bread and two cans for 25 euro, other places were offering a large pizza with chicken dippers, dough balls and a dessert for 20 euro, any sized pizza for a tenner, buy one pizza get another for free… we tried our best to keep up but no matter what we offered to customers, someone else was offering them more.
We tried to explain to our customers that our Pizzas and extras were tastier and better made than the tasteless doughy shite coming out of other shops, but it was pointless. Seems when it comes to pizza that customers don’t really care for quality, they just want quantity; that’s when we came up with the “Fuck It” meal.”
Substituting gastronomic value for sheer volume, the “Fuck It” offers the following; two large pizzas with any toppings (and stuffed crust for no extra charge because, fuck it), wedges, popcorn chicken, taco fries, chicken dippers, dough balls, chicken wings, miniature sausage rolls, chicken strips, garlic bread, a roast chicken, a litre of Ben and Jerrys, six cans of Coke and a big fuckin tub of coleslaw all for only 19.99.
“We just need the business”, groused Reuben. “And when it comes to ordering pizza people just want as much food as possible, even if they could never dream of eating it all. When faced with two competing Pizza menus, if Restaurant A offers extra food for the same price as Restaurant B then consumers just say “Fuck it” and go for the extra, even if they don’t necessarily like the pizza from that restaurant.
Our aim was to have the biggest “Fuck It” of all, so even the greediest fucking pig couldn’t argue. We’ve had to change our recipes to account for the dirt cheap, highly processed ingredients we’re forced to use, but I think it’s been worth it in order to tap into the lucrative lonely singleton/ exhausted working couples market at weekends”.
Pizza Hoop hope to launch the “Fuck It” meal on the 9th of January to great acclaim, although their 2 euro delivery charge may be a stumbling block for many customers.