The world of soccer was left dumbfounded yesterday after a Spanish striker miraculously walked away from a tackle, writes Gerry McBride.
The incident, which occurred during a match between La Liga sides Real Trampa and Athletico Buceo, saw Trampa forward Jose Enganer clear through on goal with only Buceo defender Miguel Detener to beat.
Speaking to The Potato through the cheapest translator we could find, a baffled Detener mouth-parped the following;
“I see him, Enganer, he make run on goal with the ball. I do my usual doing, to stop him, I run along him and I trying to get ball from him, to stop him score goal”, recalled Detener. “Usually, when I do this, this is enough to cause striker to fall on ground in very very big pain, almost like if he dying on pitch. My shock was very big when I see him continue to run with ball and make shot on goals! He is first striker to not fall at my feet as if he has had legs cut off, holding face and crying to referee to get penalty kick. To see him stay standing, and try to score goal from play… I could not believe what my eyes were telling my brain”
Despite his attempt on goal being as wide as a fat ducks arse, Enganer has won praise from fans and pundits across the world for his incredible display. In an interview with our shitty translator, he told us the following;
“Only three players in history of feet balls have survived being tackled when through on goal“, said Enganer. “It is first time for me, personally, to continue with ball following a challenge. Usually when I am tackled on pitch, even if my legs are not touched, the paining that occurs is so great that I have no choice but to crash into ground and roll around like I am on fire. It feels like my feet are in vice, being crushed like twig. The pain can only be healed by referee pointing at penalty spot”
“But last night when Miguel Detener tried to take the ball from me, I felt no pain… Perhaps God was shining on me and took the pain away? I was able to continue on goal and take my shoot. I miss by fucking mile, but it still felt good to have made it past a back line for once“
Delighted though the footballing community may be that someone has finally managed to survive an honest tackle and preserve the flow of play, Enganers own coach Pinchazo Gillipolas was less delighted that the striker had blown a golden penalty opportunity in favour of an actual attempt at scoring from play.
“Jose needs to understand there is no room for heroes on my team”, the irate gaffer told our reporter. “We are paying this guy 200 thousand euros a week to get us goals, and what he do? He forgets all his tackle survival training; he doesn’t divebomb into the turf clutching his face and get us the penalty that would have won us the game, instead he tries to score a goal using football skill! He need to get with the fucking program or he will be dropped from squad!”