Highly attractive but perpetually single thirtysomething Zara O’Connell-Murtagh has accepted the reason she can’t hold onto a boyfriend is because she is a total geebag,
writes Gerry McBride.
Following her latest failed romantic endeavour, Ms. O’Connell-Murtagh approached The Potato and gave us the following information as we queued to pay for groceries in Tesco during our lunchbreak.
“You know, I just couldn’t understand why I wasn’t in a relationship”, she said, despite the fact that we hadn’t really asked her anything.
“I mean, I’m fairly stunning to look at. I’ve always known that, so I knew looks wasn’t the problem. I can get pretty much any guy I want, but they’ve never stayed with me for too long. Come to think of it, I’ve never had an actual boyfriend.”
“I went on a date last Friday and when he didn’t call me back I said Zars, you’ve like, got to find out once and for all why these guys run for the hills after one date. It was then I said to myself that I must be like, a total geebag“
Having eventually shaken off the annoying self-centered dose, The Potato spoke to the gentleman who had taken Ms. O’Connell-Murtagh for dinner the previous weekend to ascertain how how managed to stomach more than an hour of her irksome company. Ian Cleary you brave soldier; take it away.
“I had met Zara at a Christmas party in December”, said Mr. Cleary solemnly. “She’s a very attractive girl, and I wanted to maybe meet her for a drink and get to know her so I gave her my number. I was over the moon when she called me to arrange a dinner on Friday gone by… until about a half an hour into the date. She may be a cracker but Jesus Christ that woman is a fucking dose“.
“She didn’t stop talking about herself the whole way through, pausing only to be extremely rude to the waitress. She seemed to have no clue as to what was the proper way to talk to anyone. Any time I tried to get a word in, she would just turn the conversation back to herself; it was exhausting.”
“We went out to a bar afterwards where she got utterly shitfaced and started trying to dance on the bar until the bouncer threatened to throw her out. I stuck her in a taxi, where I could hear her making racist remarks to the driver. The whole night just gave me a pain in the bone of my face.“
Having acknowledged her status as a geebag and accepted that it had hindered her attempts to find love, we spoke to Ms. O’Connell-Murtagh about how she intended to use this information to turn her life around. Ever the unrepentant Geebag, she had this to say;
“Look, if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best“, gee’d the bag.”I’m here for a good time, not for a long time. I’m not looking for Mr. Right, I’m looking for Mr. Right Now“.