Government Announce 1.9 Billion Plan to Make January Shorter

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Anyone with a dislike for the cold grey month of January have some cause for celebration this morning; although January will still be cold and grey, a new Government scheme announced today will see it cut by 7 days over the next two years,

writes Gerry McBride

“We’re bringing the calendar into line with the latest European Standards”, growled Minister for Date and Time Finbar Shingleton during an interview with The Potato. “We’ll be rolling out a scheme next year to switch the amount of days in January with the amount of days in February; so January will have 28 days and February 31“.

The minister went on to explain that this will be followed in 2016 by a regulation Month-resizing scheme, with every month except January lasting for 31 days, leaving just 24 days in everyone’s most hated time of the year. In the case of Leap Years, the extra day would be added as a new Bank Holiday in December, with the first being December 32nd, 2016.

“Gone will be the old ’30 Days Hath September’ rhyme”, snarled the minister. “By 2016 we’ll have European Standard 31 day months, with a wonderfully brief start to the year. The shorter January will lead to a cut in the rate of Seasonal depression, with the added bonus of getting that all important first post-Christmas paycheck a few crucial days sooner”.

We think January is poxy just as much as the next man, but we had to ask how the government could justify spending 1.9 Billion Euro on such a scheme when the country is only now finding its feet after years of harsh austerity. In response, the minister took up a half-kokutsu stance and kiai’d the following;

“Look, Ireland is part of the European thing now”, he screamed. “This scheme has had great success in Italy and Belgium, and will be adopted by France and Germany this year. Under the terms of the bailout agreement, Ireland must follow suit. The rest of Europe will be using this new dating system by 2016. Ireland can’t be left behind the times“.

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