The Potato has learned from a government source that the nation’s umbrella supplies are running dangerously low.
With stormy weather already with us this weekend it is predicted that by Monday morning most privately owned umbrellas will be inside out and stuffed into a bin on a flooded street somewhere.
During last summer’s unusually hot weather the government was praised for raising funds by selling off the Emergency Umbrella Supply to eastern European countries who “were having a fierce wet time of it altogether.” But now, with the “quare blustery” weather of the past month public opinion has changed dramatically.
“Those fecking eejits sold off all the brollies?” bellowed Eileen O’Donoghue (30) over near gale force winds on George’s St. in Dublin today. “I’ve been into Dunnes, Penney’s, Boots and even feckin’ Easons looking for an umbrella and there’s NONE FUCKING LEFT! What sort of gobshites are they?”
In Leinster House yesterday there was similar opinions voiced by members of the opposition. Michael Martin lambasted the Taoiseach saying, “What sort of Mayo gombeen are you? Did you think just cause we got a bit of sun it was never going to rain again in the country? This is exactly the reason why you shouldn’t be in charge.”
Enda Kenny was “in no mood to listen to Martin’s shite” and was quick to respond.
“I will remind the deputy that when your lot was in charge the price of umbrellas in this country shot through the roof. It was not uncommon for people to be paying upwards of 200 euro for one of those crappy black yokes that you get now in Dunnes for a fiver!”
Eamon Gilmore chimed in, “Sure what are you complaining for? Don’t you Fianna Fail boys have a truckload of Anglo Irish Bank golf umbrellas sitting out the back anyway? Why don’t you fuck off under them for a while and let the grown-ups deal with the grown-up shit, ok?”
When the back and forth settled down deputy Luke Ming Flanagan proposed a new scheme under which umbrellas could be fashioned from turf “….which the local people should be allowed cut themselves because it’s tradition or something and to be honest I’ll jump on whatever bandwagon will get me elected.”
Back on the streets of the capital, Sean O’Dowd (45) looked at a bin on Kildare St. overflowing with broken umbrellas and laughed.
“Sure everyone knows you can’t use an umbrella in these winds anyway. What sort of moron would even think this was an issue?”