An investigation involving the Gardaí, Interpol and the Revenue Commissioners, has discovered that a criminal gang of Seagulls, tormenting people in Dublin, are in fact the largest importers of heroin into Ireland.
The organised gang of Seagulls began causing social problems over the last number of days, as they taunted, intimidated and physically abused members of the public.
They stole a lollypop from a minor and then proceeded to take a dump on a city centre commuter, who didn’t realise what happened to her until someone laughed at them in the office.
Their actions were reported to local gardaí, but it has since been revealed that the dangerous anti-social birds have been the centre of an international investigation of the trafficking of the class A drug.
A source close to the investigation told The Potato:
“There’s very little the gardaí can do – there’s currently no laws allowing birds to be persecuted for importing illegal substances. This gang of seagulls is laughing in the face of Irish law and causing havoc as they do.”
The seagulls don’t have logistical problems like other criminal gangs, in that they can fly in and out of the country as they please, completely unnoticed and free of any searches by customs.
They’re under-cutting other inner city crime syndicates and flooding the streets with huge amounts of the devastating drug, making a tidy profit in the mean time. One of the main seagulls is said to have a number of seaside properties, here and along the Mediterranean.
The issue is so serious, that Paul Williams is in the process of making a documentary for 3E, entitled, “Heroin Seagulls – Flying High”, which will air this Sunday and use dark music and blurred out seagull faces to scare you into never going outside again.
Anyone with any information on the drug trafficking birds are asked to contact the Garda Confidential line on 1800-666-111.