A devastated 30 year old man, who recently moved in with his long term girlfriend, has discovered that since moving in, he can’t find the time or space to masturbate.
Derek Cooney, a self employed electrician and chronic masturbator said his life has been turned upside down since moving in and that’s he’s finding it extremely hard to adjust.
“I knew there would be some adjusting, but I didn’t realise how hard it would be to squeeze one out. My morning wank routine is completely ruined. I’m getting grouchy, hot sweats and random erections during work. It’s really embarrassing.”
Cooney went on to say that watching pornography several times a day has become really challenging too and it’s causing him to rethink his entire relationship.
Last week he opened up his laptop on the train and forgot he didn’t close out of the videos from the night before. Embarrassment ensued.
The issue is causing problems for him professionally and personal, but he’s keen to not have this shaft him entirely.
Rather than address the underlying issues causing his addiction to fiddling with himself, he’s committed to speaking to his other half and arranging “alone time” for each of them. He’ll pitch the idea that it’ll “be good for both of us to work on something by ourselves and good to have our own space”.
He’s planning on saying he’s taking up a new hobby or going back to college, just so can have 20 minutes to himself to jizz into a sock.
He said he had to thank his sponsor Robert from his Wankers Anonymous for the great idea and is hoping it will save his relationship.